The Hole In My Soul

I believe there is no such thing as a “special problem”. Everything you may be going through there is always somebody else out there going through the very same, and in some instances even worse. There are few incidents I recall where I would tell a group of friends about a “unique” problem I’d be experiencing at that time; it would be very challenging to say it, because it is not an easy thing to talk to a group of “normal” folks about a rather unusual “problem”. But every single time I would be surprised by the reaction, it usually would be something everybody else is going through but they just didn’t know how to say it. And after we have talked about it for hours, we would grow comfortable in the matter and resolve it much simpler.

With my new challenge I am not sure if I will get the same reaction from you my friends, but I guess I will never know unless I grow a pair and try like I always have.

I want to talk about the restlessness of the soul. I want to talk about the soul. I want to talk about the spiritual being of a human being. The life beyond what is seen by the physical eye, the immortality, the infinity, the spirituality. It is in the soul that everything is given feeling. The soul reaches out and it touches, it communicates and it connects. It is the emotional energy that gives life to everything that we do; it is the substance of life. Without it, there is no life.

The hole in my soul is an addiction, to lust, to stress, to pain, to hatred, to jealousy. A pure soul is a positive one, and once these addictions contaminate it, the purity of the soul is compromised to say the least.
I don’t know if I’m the only person who struggles to sleep at night because of an overwhelming feeling of sadness that just comes out of nowhere, and it takes over you and changes your mood in a split second, and the worst thing is you cannot trace where it came from. It is really sad because it follows you; it becomes you, in all you do, all the time. You feel like there is something missing in your life but you just do not know what it is. You feel like this is not where you need to be, but you just do not know where you need to be. Everything you do has no meaning, there is no purpose behind it, and it does not enrich your life or of those around you anyhow. You feel like your existence lacks significance, whether you were around or not, the smooth operation of this machine called life would not be affected anyhow. You try to find the meaning of life, your life specifically but you just cannot find the answers, it’s like they do not really exist.

I wonder if I’m the only one who finds it difficult to be around other people, mainly because you just feel nothing ever concerns you. Whenever you are around you never see yourself playing a valuable role in your group of friends, it is almost like they are doing just fine without you. Everything that is well when you are around just seems like it would be the same even if you were not. You ask yourself how you expect them to treat you. How would you like them to treat you? What should you do to make yourself indispensable? No matter how many times you ask yourself these hard questions you just never seem to come to a satisfactory answer, because everything seems to be going quite normal and all these concerns you have might just be a fragment of imagination.

I wonder if I’m the only one who doesn’t really feel like they belong in their family. So you miss most of family gatherings and family birthdays’ parties, wait…………… you do not even know most of your family members birthdays. Your family is very supportive though, these guys have done so much for you and they have taught you most of the things you know about life, and even to this day you still live by the principles you learned from them. You love them, you respect and admire them, and you just want them to feel the same about you, but in your eyes they just never do. You remember when you were still a little kid, you remember how stupid and naïve you were, you hate that feeling to this day and just thinking about it makes you sick to your stomach. The world no longer treats you that way, for some time you even forget how that feeling even feels until you go back home, and they’re the only ones that still see the naïve and stupid little kid in you, regardless of how much you have grown. You just want to feel important, significant and really matter, and it’s ironic how that one place that your existence really does matters you always seem to matter the least, at least to yourself anyway. You just long for their attention, affection, their approval and love, and the hole in your soul grow even more and more deep each time you’re around them because you just never get it.

I wonder if I’m the only one who has issues with intimacy. I believe intimate relationships are different from all others because they are intimate in nature, and for them to have substance they need trust, complete trust, because without it there is no real affection in “intimacy”. Trust has always been a bit of a challenge for me. It is not because of my past relationships or anything of that nature, but just because I cannot trust myself. How can you have complete faith that a person will stay forever when you not even sure that you will? And even if they may stay forever, you’re not really sure that you really want them to. Have you ever looked at your partner and wondered if things will ever change? And not because you scared that they might, but just because you’re insecure of your own feelings and you’re not really sure if they’ll always be what they are now. I search for something that does not exist; I search for “perfection”. I believe that it is only a miserable selfish man as myself who would search for such, and not that I believe it does not exist but I believe that you cannot find it in the world when you fail to find it in yourself, because that just means you’re not worthy of it. And the hole in my soul grows deeper and deeper because it is not understood, for it is not explained or at least justified.

The answer to every question in this world is just being content with not having answers. It is accepting things for what they are and making peace with that. I have learned that the only way to truly receive special attention is to give it first. You have to search, find and carter to the needs of all those around you in order for them to do the same for you. In your group of friends, if there are 10 of you, you have to make peace with not being the Centre of attention all the time because there are nine other people who deserve that Centre as much as you do. And the very same applies on your family; there are 20plus other kids that deserve the attention as much as you do. Wanting to prove to your family how mature you have become almost comes natural, but always remember that proving your maturity is always the most immature thing you can ever do. Using aggression to gain respect is disrespecting yourself, so whoever else may follow after that, they all will have learned it from you. Every single thing you feel, literally every need you might have, is merely a human emotion and everybody else has one, even the ones you expect to fill yours. And the thing about intimate relations is that they all rely on faith, if not faith that they will never leave you, let it be that faith that you will be able to pick up the pieces and move on with your life were they to do so. But before all that faith, let it be faith in yourself that you’re not worthy of being ‘ditched’, let it be faith in them that they will always see your worth and not leave you. Always remember that nobody is perfect and nobody is exactly what you want, but you’re also not perfect (to yourself), and you’re not exactly what you want (to yourself). And remember this too, you’re not perfect to them either nor their exact ideal partner but they have put aside all that and stuck with you regardless. So how difficult can it be for you? Love, appreciate and be grateful for your partner, but for your gratitude to matter the most, be grateful to them.

I have made peace with things not being exactly the way I would like them to be, and I have fully appreciated that this is the real world and not my Disney land fantasy. What really matters is to always smile, accept the world for what it truly is and just celebrate everything that is what you would like it to be, and ignore what is not. And when it comes to relating to other people I have learned to give without expecting anything in return, give your time, attention and love to your family and friends without even looking at what they are doing for you in return. Always remind yourself that they have the very same needs as yourself, and without even consciously realizing it, in a quest to fulfill theirs, you will have fulfilled yours.

Thank You!!

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Dear Mama

Love is a very mysterious feeling, and no matter how many people have defined it to me it still does not make any sense, at least not in words anyway. I remember this one dictionary that defined it as “Showing love”. I may not be the brightest man in the world but I know that the meaning of the word “Love” cannot be showing love, I mean that is still basically the same thing, right? Anyway, I believe love is not to be defined but to be felt, cherished and given right back when it is received; and to me that is what “showing love” is really about.

A wise man once said “A mother’s love is sacred”. A mother’s love is the closest love to God’s, and God is love.

I have learned over the years that the strange phenomenon about love is the stronger you feel it, the harder it is to express it. We all have had those friends that would tell every girl they meet how much they love them, they would be really poetic about it that everyone would just fall for it but as soon as he meets that one girl he truly loves, all his wordsmith expertise come to a sudden demise.

With that said, my mother’s birthday is coming up in just a couple of days. And her present, I had planned to write her a letter just to let her know how much she really means to me, and how I’m grateful for all she’s done for me over the years. The idea seemed very enticing, I believed it would be far better that any necklace I could ever buy her because it would carry the meaning of how I truly feel about her, in my own words. As I have said, the realer it is the harder it is to express it, and because of that I have rather opted to blog about it and go back to the idea of a necklace I had dismissed initially because I felt it was “impersonal”.

This might not make sense to you but it is very deep for me. I just felt the letter would not be enough. If I wrote the letter there are so many things I would have left out, because she has done so much for me and I feel it could never be expressed with just mere words. I think there are no words to express my gratitude to a woman who got pregnant by me when she was still in her teens. And now the thing about it is I was not even her first born. She had previously conceived a beautiful bright girl, and it is such a disgrace in my culture to fall pregnant at that age she did with my older sister, and you’re not even married or planning to. In just a year she fell pregnant again with her second child (and that was me), I can only imagine the shame that she must have brought to herself and her family, and to herself in her family. So no letter would be long enough to thank her for sticking it out, for bearing the shame and keeping both of her children and doing the best she could do to raise them as normally as she could. For raising us even though she never had even a single “real” job in her life, for putting up with my dad even when she really had to leave him so that he can get to know his kids, for going from town to the next on her bare feet to do domestic works for people so that we would put food on the table, for not putting her needs before ours and for making every difficult sacrifice she ever made for us to seem really easy to us so that it would not affect us any how and we would be able to grow with smiles on your faces.

Today my mom has three kids, my older sister, myself and my younger brother. And she has subsequently managed to show all of us nothing but love and support. I always had special needs in a way, I was very emotional as a kid (still am) and I always enjoyed a little extra attention (still do). But my mama was always patient with me, gave me all that my heart ever desired and supported me all the way with no questions asked.

I have big dreams, very big dreams. I have dreams that are believed to be impossible for people with circumstances as mine. My sister always believes that I’m being childish when I talk about them, but my mother still believes in me. The crazy thing is I have not yet achieved even one of them but she has never seized to show nothing but faith and support when we talk about them. I believe someday I’ll be a well-known author, a radio DJ, a house music writer, a rapper, an actor and in the mist of it all I still believe that I will be able to still practice Public Relations as my studied profession. And other than me, the only woman that believes I can make it is ………….. Yep, the one and only.

Tell me again, can a letter cover all of that? Nope, it cannot. I believe even this article hasn’t even mentioned a quarter, I am certain that after it has been published I will remember many things that I did not mention in this letter.

A mother’s love is sacred. Love it not stingy, it does not keep track of its good deeds, for they are not contemplated but rather reflexes. With that said, it is impossible for me to remember all she has done for me, counting and remembering each deed wouldn’t really achieve anything either. Love is meant to be shown, not told. The best thing I can do to show my gratitude is to respect, love, and support and always be there for her at all times as she has done for me all my life. it would not be too difficult because she will always be by my side, so my job is much easier for it is just to acknowledge her presence and show her I appreciate it by giving her my “presence” in the very same way she has given me hers.

No words would ever be enough to express how I feel right now. If I attempted to describe it, I would just write forever. I would probably cut myself trying to find something that is as real as the feeling. SI would probably fly out of this world just to show how much I believe in it, and walk on water trying to show how powerful the feeling really is.

On that note, I would just like to end bluntly here because I could not find a perfect conclusion for this letter, for such love is infinite.

THANK YOU MAMA. I LOVE YOU TRUCKLOADS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN ADVANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

FAITH

As I am writing this piece I am in a very ‘challenging’ point in my life. I am really struggling to make ends meet, I do not have a reliable stable income that manages to cover all my basic needs, I am really not doing as well as I would like to (nor as I had hoped I would be at this point and time), and I am not moving closer to my goals in a pace I had hoped I would.

And in all that I still have dreams, not just dreams but very big dreams. Now the crazy thing about dreams when they are just not coming true, everyone kind of expects you to drop them and get a nine-to-five job just to survive, and maybe after 10 years of scrubbing floors you can afford an average four-room house, a humble Toyota and a good credit record to acquire a loan to get your kids to tertiary.

I do not intend to offend anyone living that life or planning to, but it’s very far from what I have planned for myself. I am not driven by money, but my God is my dreams. My passion, my aspirations and ambitions are what drive me; they give me the strength to rise each day even when it really seems hopeless. I guess the plan I have in my mind is to do what I love, because a wise man once said; “do what you love and you will never have to work a single day in your life”.

I think one thing that is important as much as having dreams, if not more than, is having faith in them. It is having faith that they will come true, and having faith in yourself that you’ll be able to pull it off. And that is not as simple as it sounds, for you’re not in this world by yourself. There are negative people that will see to it that they remind you every day how you do not have what it takes to make it, how stupid, imaginative to upright insane you are for believing that one day you will leave these streets to pursue your dream of becoming a pilot. The thing about “Dream-Killers” is they’ll repeat their negativity as many times as necessary for you to start believing it. Now here is the thing, you cannot control other peoples’ thoughts, whether about the world or about you, but you can however control their impact on you. The devil is a very passionate man, and he doesn’t give up very easily. So when the “Devil’s Agents” tell you a hundred times each day how you cannot make it, ensure to repeat it to yourself 101 times how you will, even go as far as 200 times if it’s necessary. There is no such thing in life such as too much positivity.

Recently I bumped into this wonderful book by a gentleman named OG Mandino; A Better Way To Live. The crazy thing is I have never heard of him before and this is his 17th offering, but I guess God has a way of ensuring that things do really reach you when they are meant for you. I haven’t written a blog article in forever and I wasn’t planning on going back to writing anytime soon. But after reading this book I had to write something, initially the plan was just to note down the rules on this book for my own personal use, so I can always go back to them for inspiration whenever I lose my way. But just before I commenced, i figured out that it would be selfish of me to just note them on a piece of paper and keep them to myself. So I decided to write this article, the plan is to share these 17 rules with you in hope to restore your faith and give you the strength to carry on.
A very close friend of mine once said: “The world belongs to the dreamers”. With that said let us not waste any more of your precious time, let us get straight to it;

RULE ONE
Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to forward toward the life that God intended for you … with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.
RULE TWO
Today, and every day, deliver more than you’re getting paid to do. The victory of success will be half won when you learn the secret of putting out more than is expected in all that you do. Make yourself so valuable in your work that eventually you will become indispensable. Exercise your privilege to go the extra mile, and enjoy all the rewards that you receive. You deserve them.
RULE THREE
Whenever you make a mistake or get knocked down by life, don’t look back at it for too long. Mistakes are life’s way of teaching you. Your capacity for occasional blunders is inseparable from your capacity to reach your goals. No one wins them all, and your failures, when they happen, are just part of your growth. Shake off your blunders. How will you know your limits without an occasional failure? Never quit. Your turn will come.
RULE FOUR
Always reward your long hours of labor and toil in the very best way, surrounded by your family. Nurture their love carefully, remembering that your children need models, not critics, and your own progress will hasten when you constantly strive to present your best side to your children. And even if you have failed at all else in the eyes of the world, if you have a loving family you’re a success.
RULE FIVE
Build this day on a foundation of pleasant thoughts. Never fret at imperfections that you fear may impede your progress. Remind yourself, as often as necessary, that you are a creature of God and have the power to achieve any dream by lifting up your thoughts. You can fly when you decide that you can. Never consider defeat again. Let the vision in your hearty be in your life’s blueprint. Smile!
RULE SIX
Let your actions always speak for you, but be forever on guard against the terrible trap of false pride and conceit that can halt your progress. The next time you are tempted to boast, just place your fist in a full pail of water, and when you remove it, the whole remaining will give you a correct measure of your importance.
RULE SEVEN
Each day is a special gift from God, and while life may not always be fair, you must never allow the pains, hurdles, and handicaps of the moment to poison your attitude and plans for yourself and your future. You can never win when you wear the ugly cloak of self-pity, and the sour sound of whining will certainly frighten away any opportunity for success. Never again. There is a better way.
RULE EIGHT
Never again clutter your days or nights with so many menial and unimportant things that you have no time to accept a real challenge when it comes along. This applies to play as well as work. A day merely survived is no cause for a celebration. You are not here to fritter away your precious hours when you have the ability to accomplish so much by making a slight change in your routine. No more busywork. No more hiding from success. Leave time, leave space, to grow. Now! Now! Not tomorrow!
RULE NINE
Live this day as if it will be your last. Remember that you will only find “tomorrow” on the calendar of fools. Forget yesterday’s defeats, and ignore the problems of tomorrow. This is it. Doomsday. All you have. Make it the best day of your year. The saddest words you can ever utter are, “If I had my life to live over again. . . . . .” Take the baton, now. Run with it! This is your day!
RULE TEN
Beginning today, treat everyone you meet, friend or foe, loved one or stranger, as if they were going to be dead at midnight. Extend to each person, no matter how trivial the contact, all the care and kindness and understanding and love that you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.
RULE ELEVEN
Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible defeat of the moment. Banish tension and concern and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously.
RULE TWELVE
Never neglect the little things. Never skimp on that extra effort, that additional few minutes, that soft word of praise or thanks, that delivery of the very best that you can do. It does not matter what others think, it is of prime importance, however, what you think about you. You can never do your best, which should always be your trademark, if you’re cutting corners and shirking responsibilities. You are special. Act it. Never neglect the little things.
RULE THIRTEEN
Welcome every morning with a smile. Look on the new day as another special gift from your Creator, another golden opportunity to complete what you are unable to finish yesterday. Be a self-starter. Let your first hour set the theme of success and positive action that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don’t waste it with a false start or no start at all. You were not born to fail.
RULE FOURTEEN
You will achieve your grand dream, a day at a time, so set your goals for each day- not long and difficult projects but chores that will take you, step by step, toward the rainbow. Write them down, if you must, but limit your list so that you won’t have to drag today’s undone matters into tomorrow. Remember that you cannot build your empire in twenty-four hours. Be patient. Never allow your day to become so cluttered that you forget your most important goal- to do the best you can, enjoy this day, and rest satisfied with what you have accomplished.
RULE FIFTEEN
Never allow anyone to rain on your parade and thus cast a pall of gloom and defeat on the entire day. Remember that no talent, no self-denial, no brains, no character, are required to set up in the fault-finding business. Nothing external can have any power over you unless you permit it. Your time is too precious to be sacrificed in wasted days combating the menial forces of hate, jealousy, and envy. Guard your fragile life carefully. Only God can shape a flower, but any foolish child can pull it to pieces.
RULE SIXTEEN
Search for the seed of good in every adversity. Master that principle and you will own a precious shield that will guard you well through all the darkest valleys you must traverse. Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be discerned from the mountaintop. So will you learn things in adversity that you never would have discovered without trouble. There is always a seed of good. Find it and prosper.
RULE SEVENTEEN
Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.

After reading these rules, I had faith that if I’d commit myself to them I’d achieve self-confidence, a sense of self-worth, the fire in my soul would return and the will to keep on working towards achieving my goals would return, one day at a time. And I do hope that you will also feel the same about them. And I was hoping that we will embark in this journey together, although you can never really transform your life unless you do it by yourself, but it is always reassuring to know there is someone out there who is going exactly the same thing you’re going through, who feels exactly what you’re feeling and most importantly, who is willing as much as you are to make a difference in their life and those of everyone around them.
Thank you. Until next time my good friend.

WELCOME ME BACK

After more than two years of complete silence I have finally decided to pick the pen up and write again. A lot has changed since I last posted. My life has changed drastically, so has my overall perception of it. Before writing this one I decided to read my last post (http://www.ubuntu-humanity.blogspot.com/2012/10/freedom.html ), and I was amazed by what two years can do for you, it can change you completely.

When I started blogging I was madly in love with my girlfriend of that time, until she fell pregnant with some other guy’s child and I learned that things are not always as they seem. The most important lesson I learned from that was that you can never control everyone and everything, disappointments are bound to occur along the way and the best thing you can do is to rise above them.

In the beginning of 2013 my parents separated. When something like that happens it changes everything, your perspective on love (even life as a whole), God’s method of doing things amongst other things, but in the end you learn to make peace with it, and accept that everything happens for a reason. Truth be told, it had been over between my parents way long before the separation. With that said I’d like to take my hat off for both of them for finally taking the bold step of separating officially, and not because they now hate each other but because they finally understood that they both deserve better. And as simple as I may say it now, at the time of its occurrence it was very appalling. You look at your mother and feel scared, not because you doubt her independence but because you wonder if the world still has room for her as a single woman in her early forties. And you also resent your father a bit, question if he ever loved your mother at all for you feel he has given up on her very quickly. And as he walks out the door you get very torn, because you feel that not only has he given up on her, but he has also given up on his own children too. But eventually you get to understand, although sometimes it is to finally understand that you will never understand.

With two years being such a long time I’d like to say that since then I’ve learned to be independent and really do things for myself. Most people underestimate the importance of knowing how to do things for yourself until they get to live by themselves. Long story short, I have never known the importance of owning a broom until I lived by myself and had to see to it that my place is clean. Being alone in this cold world is an eye-opener. It only has this one simple rule; “Do things for yourself or they shall remain undone”. This is one of the biggest challenges ever, because at this point you learn to sacrifice and to compromise on a lot of things. You also learn that you cannot compare your life to other people, because your circumstances are very different and you cannot always have everything you want at that time convenient only for you.

But nevertheless it is a very rewarding journey, because once you learn the ropes, everything else just automatically falls into place. And one thing that is greater than achieving something is the satisfaction of knowing that you have done it on your own. In life I have learned that you start with laying a single brick, and if you work really hard, before you know it, you will have a full house. It is all about one step at a time, one day at a time.

I have decided to write again. I have decided to share my story again. Because I have a dream to make a difference, to bring comfort to whoever may be going through a similar situation by letting they know that they’re not alone.

I have finally acknowledged my writing as a gift, as the only thing that that I’m good at. And another lesson life has taught me is that; “When there is nothing else to do, just do what you know and you will never go wrong”.

And if my writing can bring a smile to someone out there, even if it can be just one person, I’ll know that I have done my job because the world has added one more smiley face because of me.

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