The Hole In My Soul

I believe there is no such thing as a “special problem”. Everything you may be going through there is always somebody else out there going through the very same, and in some instances even worse. There are few incidents I recall where I would tell a group of friends about a “unique” problem I’d be experiencing at that time; it would be very challenging to say it, because it is not an easy thing to talk to a group of “normal” folks about a rather unusual “problem”. But every single time I would be surprised by the reaction, it usually would be something everybody else is going through but they just didn’t know how to say it. And after we have talked about it for hours, we would grow comfortable in the matter and resolve it much simpler.

With my new challenge I am not sure if I will get the same reaction from you my friends, but I guess I will never know unless I grow a pair and try like I always have.

I want to talk about the restlessness of the soul. I want to talk about the soul. I want to talk about the spiritual being of a human being. The life beyond what is seen by the physical eye, the immortality, the infinity, the spirituality. It is in the soul that everything is given feeling. The soul reaches out and it touches, it communicates and it connects. It is the emotional energy that gives life to everything that we do; it is the substance of life. Without it, there is no life.

The hole in my soul is an addiction, to lust, to stress, to pain, to hatred, to jealousy. A pure soul is a positive one, and once these addictions contaminate it, the purity of the soul is compromised to say the least.
I don’t know if I’m the only person who struggles to sleep at night because of an overwhelming feeling of sadness that just comes out of nowhere, and it takes over you and changes your mood in a split second, and the worst thing is you cannot trace where it came from. It is really sad because it follows you; it becomes you, in all you do, all the time. You feel like there is something missing in your life but you just do not know what it is. You feel like this is not where you need to be, but you just do not know where you need to be. Everything you do has no meaning, there is no purpose behind it, and it does not enrich your life or of those around you anyhow. You feel like your existence lacks significance, whether you were around or not, the smooth operation of this machine called life would not be affected anyhow. You try to find the meaning of life, your life specifically but you just cannot find the answers, it’s like they do not really exist.

I wonder if I’m the only one who finds it difficult to be around other people, mainly because you just feel nothing ever concerns you. Whenever you are around you never see yourself playing a valuable role in your group of friends, it is almost like they are doing just fine without you. Everything that is well when you are around just seems like it would be the same even if you were not. You ask yourself how you expect them to treat you. How would you like them to treat you? What should you do to make yourself indispensable? No matter how many times you ask yourself these hard questions you just never seem to come to a satisfactory answer, because everything seems to be going quite normal and all these concerns you have might just be a fragment of imagination.

I wonder if I’m the only one who doesn’t really feel like they belong in their family. So you miss most of family gatherings and family birthdays’ parties, wait…………… you do not even know most of your family members birthdays. Your family is very supportive though, these guys have done so much for you and they have taught you most of the things you know about life, and even to this day you still live by the principles you learned from them. You love them, you respect and admire them, and you just want them to feel the same about you, but in your eyes they just never do. You remember when you were still a little kid, you remember how stupid and naïve you were, you hate that feeling to this day and just thinking about it makes you sick to your stomach. The world no longer treats you that way, for some time you even forget how that feeling even feels until you go back home, and they’re the only ones that still see the naïve and stupid little kid in you, regardless of how much you have grown. You just want to feel important, significant and really matter, and it’s ironic how that one place that your existence really does matters you always seem to matter the least, at least to yourself anyway. You just long for their attention, affection, their approval and love, and the hole in your soul grow even more and more deep each time you’re around them because you just never get it.

I wonder if I’m the only one who has issues with intimacy. I believe intimate relationships are different from all others because they are intimate in nature, and for them to have substance they need trust, complete trust, because without it there is no real affection in “intimacy”. Trust has always been a bit of a challenge for me. It is not because of my past relationships or anything of that nature, but just because I cannot trust myself. How can you have complete faith that a person will stay forever when you not even sure that you will? And even if they may stay forever, you’re not really sure that you really want them to. Have you ever looked at your partner and wondered if things will ever change? And not because you scared that they might, but just because you’re insecure of your own feelings and you’re not really sure if they’ll always be what they are now. I search for something that does not exist; I search for “perfection”. I believe that it is only a miserable selfish man as myself who would search for such, and not that I believe it does not exist but I believe that you cannot find it in the world when you fail to find it in yourself, because that just means you’re not worthy of it. And the hole in my soul grows deeper and deeper because it is not understood, for it is not explained or at least justified.

The answer to every question in this world is just being content with not having answers. It is accepting things for what they are and making peace with that. I have learned that the only way to truly receive special attention is to give it first. You have to search, find and carter to the needs of all those around you in order for them to do the same for you. In your group of friends, if there are 10 of you, you have to make peace with not being the Centre of attention all the time because there are nine other people who deserve that Centre as much as you do. And the very same applies on your family; there are 20plus other kids that deserve the attention as much as you do. Wanting to prove to your family how mature you have become almost comes natural, but always remember that proving your maturity is always the most immature thing you can ever do. Using aggression to gain respect is disrespecting yourself, so whoever else may follow after that, they all will have learned it from you. Every single thing you feel, literally every need you might have, is merely a human emotion and everybody else has one, even the ones you expect to fill yours. And the thing about intimate relations is that they all rely on faith, if not faith that they will never leave you, let it be that faith that you will be able to pick up the pieces and move on with your life were they to do so. But before all that faith, let it be faith in yourself that you’re not worthy of being ‘ditched’, let it be faith in them that they will always see your worth and not leave you. Always remember that nobody is perfect and nobody is exactly what you want, but you’re also not perfect (to yourself), and you’re not exactly what you want (to yourself). And remember this too, you’re not perfect to them either nor their exact ideal partner but they have put aside all that and stuck with you regardless. So how difficult can it be for you? Love, appreciate and be grateful for your partner, but for your gratitude to matter the most, be grateful to them.

I have made peace with things not being exactly the way I would like them to be, and I have fully appreciated that this is the real world and not my Disney land fantasy. What really matters is to always smile, accept the world for what it truly is and just celebrate everything that is what you would like it to be, and ignore what is not. And when it comes to relating to other people I have learned to give without expecting anything in return, give your time, attention and love to your family and friends without even looking at what they are doing for you in return. Always remind yourself that they have the very same needs as yourself, and without even consciously realizing it, in a quest to fulfill theirs, you will have fulfilled yours.

Thank You!!

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