My Self-Esteem

To say I have a low self-esteem would be a lie, although I’m sometimes skeptical to call it high.
I think of myself as average in every possible way, and that’s just euphemism for dull as they come.
I do not drink, smoke or club, I spend most of my time indoors writing articles, reading books and watching documentaries on how to acquire wealth; I’m as dull as they come.

When I was younger I wasn’t a very fluent speaker, my aunt would imitate my sloppy voice that I grew up too afraid to voice my thoughts and feelings fearing focus would not be on my content but rather my “funny” voice, funny isn’t it?
In high school I was “slightly” overweight, and at home they treated being fat like a “deficiency”. I remember my aunt showing me the Eddie Murphy movie The Nutty Professor so I knew “the handicaps of being fat”, as if the tight pants that I wore in grade 9 weren’t enough torture, and the fact that a girl I used to crush on once spanked my ass because it looked like a girl’s, damn it.

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I have never been handsome, smart, excelled in academics or athletics that I was a center of attention, and Lord knows how desperate I have been to get noticed somehow.

Am I confident in myself though? I would like to think I am. I have made peace with my “deficiencies”, focused on maximizing my strengths, and realized that what really matters in life is how you impact other peoples’ lives whilst just living your own, hence I have made it a personal mission of mine to make people feel good about themselves.

Again, am I really confident? I am not confident that if I ever asked Beyoncé out she would say yes, but I am confident that with my words I can make someone feel good about themselves as much as I’d like to believe Beyoncé does about herself.

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My aunt really screwed me over, but I’m partly to blame, I should have known making one more sandwich on a full stomach was a bad idea.

I have really struggled fitting in the society, so much that when I think back of college I only imagine the weirdo my classmates must have figured I was, and as for the rest of the schoolmates I doubt they even noticed me as I was defeated by painful hunger pains, abusive background, bad choices and a paraffin stove odor; I have truly come a long way.

God has blessed me; I have been through a storm and because of it I have learned some of the most valuable lessons in life; some which are more valuable than everything I ever learned in college, combined.

And for the last time, am I really confident in myself? Yes, so much that I don’t even need to prove it to no one. My life matters, I know it, I believe in it and I let it shine through every fiber of my being without making it anybody’s burden.

Amen.

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To The Independent Ladies

There is nothing more attractive than a woman who doesn’t really need you, for some strange reason her non-neediness becomes part of her charm, as long as she doesn’t overdo it.
Make me feel like you can survive without me, but don’t actually do it.

Personally, when I like someone I obsess, I will want to know where they are all the time, what are they up to, with whom, and I spend most of my lonesome moments worrying if they’re also thinking about me, if they find me as attractive as I find them, the uncertainty really tortures me but I guess it’s all part of the charm, right?

I understand that some ladies just do not want to seem easy and be taken advantage of, but damn it girl, please wink at me every once in a while so I know I actually do stand a chance.

And finally, to the “independent” ladies, maybe you’ve witnessed your mama being taken advantage of by daddy because she relied on him just a little “too much”, or your baby’s father left you pregnant, please know this; as much as I’m attracted by how you’re able to take care of yourself but I also want to take care of you, I am not your dad nor your baby father but I’m Ubuntu, and I would like to ask you out for drink sometime.
Do I really stand a chance?

My Life Is Just One Big Awkward Moment

I am seriously anti-social. I have a slightly dysfunctional personality, needless to say it is almost impossible for me to interact with other people, “socially”.
I could go on forever really with my infamous excuses, “I’m too different”, “too shy” and “I just see the world too differently from everybody else, so I just choose to keep quite so I don’t offend anyone”.

But one thing I never say is (and probably the most truthful); “My life is just too awkward that everything I may say will turn even the most random conversation to an awkwardly uncomfortable one, and we both won’t like it”.

Questions I fear that most are; Do you ever fall in love? Where do you stay? Why are you always so quite? Where is your dad? And mom? Do you have any siblings? Why you never talk about them? And my most embarrassing; Why do you talk to yourself?
Yep, I do talk to myself, not as in thinking out loud but a proper conversation solely, similar to the one two or more people would have, make jokes, laugh out loud and even pat myself on the shoulder for my outstanding sense of humor. All that, by myself.

Maybe I am too afraid to open up to the world because of its judgmental nature, or maybe I’m just an obnoxious a**hole who has made peace with all of his misfortunes and doesn’t care what anybody thinks of him, or at least pretends not to.

I have tried multiple times to be more “social”, but I just tend to be too transparent and honest that I end up embarrassing myself or the person I’m being “social” with, either way, we both don’t enjoy it in the end.

I then created my own little world in my imagination, and so I talk to myself (friends), sing along to my headphones, and dance like nobody is watching.
I will be judged and be called names like “attention seeker” (like I always have) and I just will not pay no attention to it (like I always have), because I understand that they do not know my story, the cards I’ve been dealt, and why I make the choices I do.

Amen.