Me And My Big Mouth

Once upon a time in ancient Babylon I used to drink alcohol, please note, I don’t really miss that lifestyle nor the person I was then but I do miss being able to hide behind a bottle of Jack Daniels right before I open my big mouth.
I really haven’t written much lately, I might have attempted a couple of times but failed dismally to come up with something (anything) worth posting, so today is a good day.

Plus I really have been feeling good lately, at least most of the time, apart from (over)procrastinating with a cup of coffee in my hand watching the whole season of the series Shameless in one night, and as attractive as Fiona Gallagher may be, it’s still not enough to ease the guilt for my non productivity of just sitting around the whole day.

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Dealing with that and the changes in my body like I’m back to puberty, I had been ugly for most of my life and now I’ve suddenly become easy on the eye, and really beautiful ladies are starting to desire my company; excuse me if this paragraph somehow seems pointless, it’s just that at this pace it seems me and Beyoncé Knowles might go out for a movie soon.

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Dealing with procrastination, Beyoncé’s fantasies, beautiful ladies and the shameful fact that at this point I have been writing a book for about nine months and only managed to come up with about 11 pages, not due to the lack of content but rather because I’ve been “too busy” to write.
I have been working long shifts, long days, supporting my family on minimum wage, and I have recently changed jobs as well as a place to stay, so with all these sudden changes my head is just all over the place so I couldn’t really write, but I still managed to see every new movie, about four seasons of Shameless in just one week, went to multiple dinner dates with multiple different ladies and have managed to reply every new text of those very same ladies.

The sad part is Casanova hasn’t even had a second to spare for people that have given him their all, that go as back as high school with him, that have seen me go from Michael Jackson to Tido and back to Michael again, and most importantly have given me the same respectful and attentive treatment they did when I was Bobby Brown in his New Edition days, to when I was Bobby now. Rest in Peace to Whitney.
Not only them, even the girl who has been by my side since before Christ, when I had it all and when I had nothing, she loved, respected and care for me, and now I’m too busy to text back? What a damn shame.

This morning I told her that I wanted out of this relationship, I felt I wasn’t really treating her right and she deserved more, much more than I was willing to offer. And promised her she’d find someone better, I believe in her.
And she told me that she doesn’t want somebody “better”, she wants me as ungrateful, unappreciative, and confused as I am, and these were her exact words;
“I don’t really care that you’re an asshole, as long as you’re my asshole, I’m okay”.

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Be Happy

The best gift you can give yourself in life is happiness, you deserve it.
I had been unhappy for most of my life, although I already knew the potential in which I possessed I still managed to convince myself that happiness wasn’t for me, at least not in the present moment, well at least not until I make my first million.

Like most of us, I had also fooled myself into believing that happiness comes with being in possession of certain materialistic possessions nor the company of certain people, that happiness came from a house on the hills, a Porsche in its garage and the company of Marilyn Monroe, and I overlooked wiser men with five Porsches, five houses and a thousand Marylyn Monroe’s that still manage to cry themselves to sleep every single night, puzzled as to why it all isn’t what they had expected it to be.

It is all because we do not understand that happiness has nothing to do with your earnings, prestige or luxurious privileges, but it is in your heart, it is abundance. Being happy with R 200 in the very same way you would be with R 200 000 000 is a true recipe to happiness, finding satisfaction in your own company before seeking that of others and living life in your own comfortable pace, instead of “keeping up with the Jones”.
We all ultimately want to do better in life, but it is almost impossible to do better unless you start by acknowledging and appreciating the good you have already done so far, gratitude is King.

In conclusion, happiness is enjoying the simplest pleasures in life, and that is, good food, clean water, music, sunlight, and ultimately appreciating the present moment for the beauty it truly is and worrying less about the future. It is taking life one step at a time, living on your own terms and never passing on an opportunity to smile.

Be happy.

How Was Your Day?

My mission is to only speak when I have nothing nice to say, otherwise I just keep quite. I want to be remembered for the lives I touched, the hope and happiness I brought into peoples’ lives and not as that douchebag who said your belt wasn’t matching your shoes.

My mission is kindness, treating every moment and person I come in contact with like it’s my last, like this is all they had to remember me by.

I don’t postpone anything, especially not an opportunity to flash a smile at the next person.

Take a look at your day, just today. Did you live it right? Did you say all you needed to and listened to all other people had to say to you as well? Did you pick up the phone to remind someone out there someone is thinking of them? Did you seek forgiveness of those you have wronged? And more importantly, did you forgive those who have wronged you as well?
And finally, if you were to drop dead right at this very moment, would you be satisfied with the way you have lived your day? Not your whole life, just this day, today.

Death

When my father was still alive, he was kind of dead to me.
And when he finally died for real, I cried desperately wishing he were still alive;
Even if it was just for me.

My Life Is Just One Big Awkward Moment

I am seriously anti-social. I have a slightly dysfunctional personality, needless to say it is almost impossible for me to interact with other people, “socially”.
I could go on forever really with my infamous excuses, “I’m too different”, “too shy” and “I just see the world too differently from everybody else, so I just choose to keep quite so I don’t offend anyone”.

But one thing I never say is (and probably the most truthful); “My life is just too awkward that everything I may say will turn even the most random conversation to an awkwardly uncomfortable one, and we both won’t like it”.

Questions I fear that most are; Do you ever fall in love? Where do you stay? Why are you always so quite? Where is your dad? And mom? Do you have any siblings? Why you never talk about them? And my most embarrassing; Why do you talk to yourself?
Yep, I do talk to myself, not as in thinking out loud but a proper conversation solely, similar to the one two or more people would have, make jokes, laugh out loud and even pat myself on the shoulder for my outstanding sense of humor. All that, by myself.

Maybe I am too afraid to open up to the world because of its judgmental nature, or maybe I’m just an obnoxious a**hole who has made peace with all of his misfortunes and doesn’t care what anybody thinks of him, or at least pretends not to.

I have tried multiple times to be more “social”, but I just tend to be too transparent and honest that I end up embarrassing myself or the person I’m being “social” with, either way, we both don’t enjoy it in the end.

I then created my own little world in my imagination, and so I talk to myself (friends), sing along to my headphones, and dance like nobody is watching.
I will be judged and be called names like “attention seeker” (like I always have) and I just will not pay no attention to it (like I always have), because I understand that they do not know my story, the cards I’ve been dealt, and why I make the choices I do.

Amen.