Have you ever wanted something so big that you sometimes stop, look at yourself and go; “am I ready to embrace it?” Well, that is pretty me every day.
I am so proud of myself, I have compiled my music in a disk, took a taxi to town and gave it to as companies as I could, and that felt wonderful. I am God of my destiny and through hard work it reflects, I have what it takes to make it.
In the movie The Pursuit Of Happiness by Will Smith and his son Will tells his son that; “When people cannot do something themselves, they tell others that they cannot as well”. That has stuck with me forever, and so can nobody tell me what I can or cannot do/be.
I have taken the first step. With that said, good luck to myself and to everyone chasing a dream far bigger than they are, but having faith far bigger than the dream.
As I take another step……………….
More times than I can remember music has been the only friend for me. It has been there when there was no one, no one to talk to me, no one to listen to but music. A friend told me that he once heard rapper Eminem say that if weren’t for Hip-Hop he would have committed suicide a long time ago, I can’t exactly say the say for me, but I just cannot imagine what I would have been if there was no music to comfort me.
I started writing music in my 8th grade I think, and to this very day I still do. From the 10th grade to my tertiary years I lived with my parents and it was not a healthy environment, especially for children. I remember I’d never be around when they both were, I’d just go to my room, lock myself in and get my rhyme book I call it, and just start writing. Back then I wrote so many songs that I had a big black plastic full of finished rhyme books, and when I didn’t feel like writing I’d get all my old rhyme books and recite songs acapella until I passed out.
I’ve always invested in earphones (well at this point I’ve upgraded to headphones), I’d only go to the kitchen for the food, eat, smoke a cigarette and go straight to my room, put on my earphones, turn the volume up to maximum and escape this world, I’d wake up to a shockingly disturbing loud blast in my ears at about one AM, like oh sh*t!! I must have passed out with my music on, again.
Truth is; my parents had a very disturbing relationship. You could never spend time with them together without having to watch them fight about any and everything, and the insults they threw at each other carelessly were too graphic for a child’s imagination. So nothing ever made sense to me, it’s like my world fell apart before it even took form, honestly, I gave up in life before I even tried. A very large portion of me believed the quarrels were instigated by father, I could have never blamed my mother, a humble country girl who worked in other people’s houses, crossed towns on bare feet and would never tire of it all just to feed us, whilst my father was a very disturbing alcoholic who had given up working because it interfered with his drinking schedule, ate everything he could found in the fridge just to mock mom’s hard work and laid hands on a woman who had subsequently assumed his role as the head of the house.
I despised him so much, so I did with life and everything that came with being alive. I loved my elder sister and my younger brother so much, still do, and maybe as much as music actually. This one time I was up late at night watching music videos when a song by RnB icon Babyface came on, it’s called Sorry for the stupid things. That song literally saved my life, it changed the way I looked at my parents’ relationship, it made me to consider that maybe I did not understand, and yes I really didn’t understand why father had quit his job, had been so “devoted” to green and brown bottles as well as why he said such harsh things to us and lay hands on such a beautiful woman. I did not understand, I also didn’t understand why she stayed, why she put up with him, still fed him, and even did his washing after she had been so tired after walking home from one of her many piece jobs.
But I did understand though. I understood that I would never understand, that I needed to take my eye off them for a minute and focus on myself a bit, rebuild my will to live, my confidence and that positive outlook I once had on life back when I lived with grandma.