Me And My Big Mouth

Once upon a time in ancient Babylon I used to drink alcohol, please note, I don’t really miss that lifestyle nor the person I was then but I do miss being able to hide behind a bottle of Jack Daniels right before I open my big mouth.
I really haven’t written much lately, I might have attempted a couple of times but failed dismally to come up with something (anything) worth posting, so today is a good day.

Plus I really have been feeling good lately, at least most of the time, apart from (over)procrastinating with a cup of coffee in my hand watching the whole season of the series Shameless in one night, and as attractive as Fiona Gallagher may be, it’s still not enough to ease the guilt for my non productivity of just sitting around the whole day.

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Dealing with that and the changes in my body like I’m back to puberty, I had been ugly for most of my life and now I’ve suddenly become easy on the eye, and really beautiful ladies are starting to desire my company; excuse me if this paragraph somehow seems pointless, it’s just that at this pace it seems me and Beyoncé Knowles might go out for a movie soon.

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Dealing with procrastination, Beyoncé’s fantasies, beautiful ladies and the shameful fact that at this point I have been writing a book for about nine months and only managed to come up with about 11 pages, not due to the lack of content but rather because I’ve been “too busy” to write.
I have been working long shifts, long days, supporting my family on minimum wage, and I have recently changed jobs as well as a place to stay, so with all these sudden changes my head is just all over the place so I couldn’t really write, but I still managed to see every new movie, about four seasons of Shameless in just one week, went to multiple dinner dates with multiple different ladies and have managed to reply every new text of those very same ladies.

The sad part is Casanova hasn’t even had a second to spare for people that have given him their all, that go as back as high school with him, that have seen me go from Michael Jackson to Tido and back to Michael again, and most importantly have given me the same respectful and attentive treatment they did when I was Bobby Brown in his New Edition days, to when I was Bobby now. Rest in Peace to Whitney.
Not only them, even the girl who has been by my side since before Christ, when I had it all and when I had nothing, she loved, respected and care for me, and now I’m too busy to text back? What a damn shame.

This morning I told her that I wanted out of this relationship, I felt I wasn’t really treating her right and she deserved more, much more than I was willing to offer. And promised her she’d find someone better, I believe in her.
And she told me that she doesn’t want somebody “better”, she wants me as ungrateful, unappreciative, and confused as I am, and these were her exact words;
“I don’t really care that you’re an asshole, as long as you’re my asshole, I’m okay”.

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Damn Relationship Quotes

We live in an era where social media has set standards too high for men as far as relationships are concerned.
Popular love tweets, quotes and memes have really exaggerated masculinity, to the point where she thinks; “if he doesn’t pay off my mama’s bond then he’s not really into me, or he’s just a total loser”.

I have recently read a quote saying;
“When he really loves you, he’d catch you in bed with another man and just say ‘baby get dressed and let’s go home’”.
And sad truth is that some ladies would really expect him to do that.

These tweets are unrealistic, they expect men to be robots operating with a sole intention to serve her, and overlook that relationships are a two-way street.

You and your woman will disagree on something, she will storm out, and after a couple of minutes she’ll change her profile picture to an image of a young couple all cuddly with a caption; “when he really loves you, he won’t backchat you”.

Relationships are meant to be in between two adults of compatible sound minds, and if they are any unrealistic expectations to be involved, then they should apply to both parties.
These quotes shouldn’t be just about what men should do, but rather about what two people should do when they really love each other, since we rely so much on social media to verify the genuineness of our love. If he is supposed to drop everything when she needs him, she should do the same, no question asked. But, it is rather unfortunate how ladies expect guys to be fine on their own just because they are “men”, like being “men” is inhuman.

Before a man is a man he is just a mere human being in the very same way a woman is, so whatever would make her happy would do just the same for him.
I have seen men love their women the best way they possibly could, and still fail to satisfy her just because he didn’t text her at midnight like the twitter page had said he should when he really loves her.

Never doubt my love for you just because I couldn’t text you at midnight baby, I was asleep baby………………………… and dreaming of you.
And to all these women who come up with these outrageous tweets I say this to you, I hope you all are in loving relationships with tall, handsome and dark men with deep voices, who lick your buttholes, drive you mothers to their doctor’s appointments, hate football and just hanging out with the guys in general, watch over you as you sleep, never fantasize about pornstars and give you guys multiple orgasms, every single night.

Amen.

The One That Got Away

The one that got away,
Is the one that really got to me.
The further away she went,
The closer to my heart she became.

In Hindsight, I was told to look at the bright side,
But love is really that blind
So excuse my colorblind sight,
In Hindsight.

Moving On From One Relationship To Another

When is the right time to move one to another relationship? Especially after breaking up with a long time partner; the answer is, whenever you feel ready. But, the tricky part is; feeling ready and being ready isn’t always the same thing; there are many false alarms in between.

Have you ever been in a relationship for so long that it ended up feeling like not a relationship? Like you guys were now siblings, except every now and then you’d roar like a lion and take her panties off using just your teeth, and you know you can’t do that to your real sibling, right?

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The thing about such relationships is; you often take for granted the effect they have on you since they’ve been around forever and the moment they come to an end you realize that “Bae” was more important than you had realized. Some couples develop certain languages, gestures, expressions, or inside jokes that only they understand, and having a joke so good that only “Bae” would understand and she’s no longer here to hear it can kill a man, and because of that you find yourself missing her so much, often the little things you took for granted, the simplest things, her giggle, her odd sense of humor or just the fresh smell of her panties.

Again, when is the right time to start dating again? And be fair to your new partner. In many cases, people subconsciously compare new “Bae” with ex-“Bae”, like “come on man, Ex cooked better, kissed better, and replied texts much quicker”, so much that you end up asking yourself this very dangerous question; Was that thing really worth breaking up over?
I have learned, in hindsight everything doesn’t really seem “that bad”, our minds are biased, they only remember what we want to remember, in other words, you will not remember the boiling kettle she threw at your genitals for liking another girl’s picture on Instagram, but you will remember the makeup sex you guys had afterwards.
But on a more serious note, comparing your previous relationship to your current one denies the current one a chance to thrive, because such judgments are never really objective.

The right time to move on is when you have truly made peace with the previous relationship and how it ended, when you wish nothing but happiness, health, wealth and many orgasms for your ex-partner (if there is such), and when your objectivity has been restored fully that you can enter a new relationship with no baggage from your old one, when you can truly travel light.

With that said, dear Ex, if I ever pitch up at midnight at your house reciting Drake’s lyrics, just know I’ve been at some dodgy club trying to pick up some dodgy women but failed because I’ve been with you forever and so my game is kind of outdated, and my righted hand with more biceps than the left one because I’ve been masturbating like crazy, and I talk nonstop because I’ve been having no one to talk to lately, and I’m drunk as hell begging you to take me back, please just offer me strong coffee, run me a bath and lay me down on your couch and I will wake up the next morning feeling terribly ashamed, apologize for my hysterics and do my walk of shame back home.
Thank you in advance.

Does Being A Pervert Make Me Such A Bad Person?

SEX, SEX, and more SEX= My average thoughts on an average day.
I’m not really certain if I should really write this one, but since I’ve went as far as putting my laptop on my lap I might as well. Welcome to forth base.

A woman breastfed next to me the other day, I couldn’t help but stare at her “titties”, so much that she had to stop and I felt so horrible as the baby started crying, the little man must have been not full. This other time I worked as a security guard, and this man and his wife had just purchased underwear for the Mrs., and as they walked out my alarm beeped and I had to search for tags still stuck in their packaged, and as I opened it my eyes glowed like a boy with a new toy, and the husband whispered in my ear; “Merry Christmas son”.

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Does it all make me a bad person? Yes I sniff panties, masturbate, and randomly stare at strange women and fantasize about having sex with them.
My granny would be so ashamed of me, she raised me by the ways of Christianity and I know that fantasizing about adultery is a sin as actually committing it, but the last time I went to church I got an erection in the Lord’s house as I sat behind a lady with a booty so big that I could see the panties line underneath her long skirt, but then again I always have been so “vigilant”, hallelujah.

That was back in 2005 or 6, I’m a grown man now but I still have hormones of a 16 year old boy, and they embarrass me every day.
I often feel like Don Jon, my relationships often include me, girlfriend, dirty Facebook and twitter pages, pornhub and Vaseline, so my righted hand still aches as it did back in high school.

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Does this entire make me a bad person, or just a shallow one?

I still read, write, treat other people well, pray to God (although I no longer go to church), and pay my taxes, but, I’d still sleep with the 1st lady that might walk through that door.

Does that make me such a bad person?

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